Snape and Malfoy
by crackpot old fool
Summary: The tale/adventure/lives of Snape and Malfoy. Total randomness. And might i add, what a title!


**Soooo fellow readers if there are any of you out there that are willing enough to attempt in reading this load of shit...**

**WELCOME**

**Basically random events and stuff in the lives of Severus and Lucius. **

**Disclaimer: not mine.**

* * *

**CHAPTER ONE: Drunk. **

"Drink?"

"I don't think that's wise… I have a class to teach tomorrow morning and turning up pissed drunk would be quite unprofessional…"

"A couple never hurt anyone, might as well…"

"Do you remember what happened to me the last time I had a drink with you?"

"Yes, and the time before that… and the time before that and the time before that time…"

"-I returned to the school and I sort of… blanked out-"

"… and the time before that which was two days ago, and the day before that day…."

"-and for some reason I found myself in Granger's bed."

"-then I remember you getting a hangover which lasted about two weeks.."

"-and I think I was –"

"Naked?"

"I don't even want to think about it.."

"Nothing but a good drink to keep your mind off such things… here, bottoms up!"

* * *

5 minutes later.

Bloody Merlin!

Stomach aches. Lungs suffocating. Choking, choking.. help me! Coughing like mad.

Laughter has never been so fatal.

"And the duck said – put it on my bill!"

Haahhahahahahahha. Lucius and his stupid jokes. They're not even that funny.

"Where do you come up with these?" They're so stupid! And I laugh harder than before and he's rolling around the pretty rug in hysteric fits.

Naked.

Or maybe I'm just hallucinating.

I hope I am.

* * *

"Hello sweetheart how would you like to be sandwiched, me and him what do you say? You'll have the time of your life I promise…" And I try to kiss her and –

"Fuck! Ouch!"

"What did she do?"

"She poked me in the fucking eye!"

"You stupid whore!" Lucius shouts at her and she stands still as a coat stand without a response.

Probably because she is a coat stand.

* * *

Another 5 minutes later.

"Aghhhhhhhhh! She poked me again!"

"That's it! Keep your hands to yourself young lady!"

"Fuck! What do we have to do to get a shag around here!"

* * *

"What the hell was that!!" I say grabbing painfully at my cheek.

"What was what?"

"You just punched me in the face!"

"There was a fly."

"There was a fly?"

"I thought I saw a fly!"

"You thought you saw a fly?"

"You thought you saw a fly?"

"Stop that."

"Stop that."

"Why the-"

"Why the-"

"FUCK?"

"Fuck."

"Are you copying me?"

"Are we not playing a game?"

"Um- no."

"Well why did you start it?"

"I did not-"

"Did too!"

Soon we are throwing aimless fists at eachother… and soon we are rolling around the pretty rug.

Naked.

Or maybe I'm just hallucinating.

I hope so.

* * *

"I think my wife is cheating on me…"

"Who? Narcissa?"

"I only have one." He sniffles on a crumpled tissue. "I think."

"I know how it feels like." And I pat him on the back.

Soon were hugging like good friends do.

"There, there Lucy, it's not like you ever loved her, " I murmur softly.

"I know! But it makes me feel like a cheap whore!" And this time he wails and I can only do so much to comfort him. "Like those sluts at Knockturn Alley…" He hugs me tighter as I comb his hair with my fingers.

"Stupid bitches… and they make such a big deal when you forget their name…"

"Shhhh.." I try my best to quieten his sobs but he pulls away and grabs my cloak looking at me with menacing eyes.

"How are you supposed to remember things like that!"

"You're right… calm down you're blabbering now."

"I can't help it… I fucking hate women." His face turns dangerously evil.

"Hush now…" I glance suspiciously around the room, "the walls have ears…"

* * *

"Get away! Don't come any closer!" I jump on top of the couch. Lucius jumps on top of the other one.

Holding a cushion in front of his face.

"Make it go away!" He mouths to me.

"Go away! We are skilled deatheaters and that should be enough to frighten you!"

The ghostly white sheet billows even more as Lucius peeks from behind his lowered cushion.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" And it blows in and out the open window making a whooshing sound.

"Agrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Lucius jumps to my couch and I stumble back dragging him along with me.

We both lie on the ground.

And he's licking my face.

I blink.

He's licking my face.

"What the bloody hell are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" There's a creak, like a door opening.

"Father? What are you doing?"

"Hiding!" He cries from above me and quickly buries his head in my cloak.

"That's not what it looks like!"

"-from the ghost! Make it go! Make it go!" I sob trying to point it out to him.

"You mean the curtain?"

* * *

"Pour us some more," I command, "go on!"

"Do as he says, don't make me hurt you..." Lucius adds.

"More, more. Stop!" I raise a hand.

"But- unc-"

"Get out you filthy scum! Your service is no longer needed."

"Uncle! Father!?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"I am not your father!" Lucius is appalled.

"Don't call me uncle!" I am too.

"Stop treating me like a houself!"

"So you're just wearing an awfully convincing costume?"

"Well it's not very good is it?" Lucius and I laugh for about ten minutes before we calm down.

"What the hell? You're all bloody nuts! Blind and nuts! I'm telling mother!"

I don't understand why it looks at us like we've really gone insane.

Am I going insane?

No… he's just seeing things.

Lucius without another second snatches him around the wrist before it can leave and shoots him a deathly glare enough to stop anyone's heart from beating.

"You won't be going anywhere until you braid my hair!"

* * *

Somehow we're lying again on the rug staring up at the ceiling, fully clothed and deep in discussion.

"She's quite pretty." Lucius starts.

"Yes… she is."

"She's grown up a lot."

"Yes… she has."

"Her hair is nice."

"Her curves too."

"She has curves now?"

"Not only that."

"I see."

"You wish."

"I do… well I'll just be going to the bathroom then, excuse me."

"Don't do what I think you're about to do."

"I own the damn place!"

"But I need to use it as well!-oh.." he rushes out before I can say another word.

"Don't forget to wash your hands!" I call out.

* * *

Three hours later.

And I'm busting and I'm unclasping my belt desperately, loosening my pants and shaking them off.

And release…

I stare down and my vision goes a little hazy. And I see bushy hair and-

"Granger?"

* * *

Three hours and one second later.

"What took you so long?"

"I saw her! She was there in the bathroom!"

"You saw her too?"

"Who? Who's in the bathroom?" Another voice behind me asks and I turn to see who has just crashed in our party.

"Oh hello! Who the hell are you?"

"What's wrong with you Severus? Lucius who's in the bathroom?"

"How do you know our names?"

"What in the bloody hell is the matter with you men- it's Narcissa!"

"You can't be! You look like a bloody man!" I blurt out.

"Are you a transvestite?" Lucius asks squinting his eyes, eyeing the figure up and down.

"Must be." I whisper to him after I do the same.

"Lucius!! It's me! Your wife!"

"Yes well… speaking of Narcissa, you can tell that woman of a slut that I never want to see her again!"

* * *

The cold air sweeps my hair. I can hear breathing and a weight on my shoulder. I tilt my head up and realise we're resting on Lucius' front door.

"Umf… stupid… bitch," he murmurs as I shake him off and use my wand to clean up the saliva puddle on my cloak.

"Wha- Sev?"

I turn to the door and try to- but the knob won't budge.

"She locked us out."

"Why the hell would she do that for?"

"Possibly for you being her husband."

"This isn't funny. I'm cold and… naked?" Finally I can tell the difference between reality and hallucinations and I wish I still couldn't.

"Oh god and I slept with you!"

"Next to me – there's a difference."

"I don't care, it's still wrong!"

"Right, well I'll just be going now-" He tugs on the knob and by that I mean doorknob, and screams, "Wife! Son! I demand you to open this door!"

I lean against a pillar and watch the pale body and the tight butt shake furiously with cold. The nice, round and tight butt… very thought provoking…– oh god what the hell am I on about? Stop it! Stop it!

"What are you staring at?" Well now I spy a very large pen-

"Uhaa- nothing… thought I saw a fl– fly… 'sgone." My voice is pitchy and cracks.

"Right."

"…Too much to drink I suppose." Way too much.

* * *

**How was it!? GOOD BAD UGLY.. or SHIT? or GOOD SHIT?**


End file.
